Interview With My Mom
Crystal Mace Talks About Being a Fighter’s Mom
The bossman thought it would be a nice piece to do an interview with a fighter’s mom for Mother’s Day this year, and since Hudson’s mom won’t talk to him and no one else in MMA would agree to do it, I got stuck with the job.
My mom, Crystal Mace, worked two jobs to put me and my six half-brothers through school. She was a greeter at J’s Liquor Shoppe and worked part time doing the books at Brownie’s Muffler Services.
We grew up fast and tough. You had to fight for a pork chop at our table like you were one of Mike Vick’s dogs.
I called Mom up this morning, and after she raised hell about me using up her cell phone minutes, she agreed to talk to me for this interview – after I promised her a bottle of Cutty.
Nat: Hi Mom, thanks for talking to me about this, sorry to wake you up, but the boss thought it would be a good idea and I can’t head down to the O Zen until I get this done.
Crystal Mace: I’m no good at this kind of crap, what do you want to know? My beer’s gettin’ warm here…
Nat: Okay, I guess we’ll get right to it…when is the first time you remember me getting in a fight?
Crystal Mace: Best I can recall you were three years old and got in a scrap at orientation for preschool. I think it was with that Ostrakis brat,I never liked that little shit. After that me and his Mom went a few rounds and I kicked her ass.
Nat: Did I win?
Crystal Mace: Oh hell yeah, but you took a couple of hard shots to the eye because you never did learn how to keep your left up – no matter how many times you watched me do it.
Nat: Well jeez, Mom, I was always the smallest kid in the class, how come I’m so damn runty?
Crystal Mace: I wish I could tell you, boy, but being knocked up was kind of a blur. I knew a guy was willing to give me cheap weed. I can tell you this, though, helped like hell with the morning sickness. Besides, I’m not real clear on who your dad is, maybe he was a wee little shit, too.
Nat: Jeez Mom, what made you think it would be a good idea for me to join the Golden Gloves?
Crystal Mace: I figured you had a head start with all the rounds we went over you cleaning your room.
Nat: How come you didn’t spend as much time with me as you did with Ostrakis working on Jiu-jitsu moves? Maybe I could have fought MMA instead of boxing…
Crystal Mace: Even though I never really liked that kid, he was a hell of a kisser. Every time we worked on the jiu-jitsu he’d get a hell of a hardon. Taught him a couple of moves with that, too.
Nat: Christ Mom,have another beer…
Crystal Mace: Don’t mind if I do. (Yelling) Bud, why the hell we outta Natty Lights again, was your Mom here while I was at the store?
Nat: Wow, this is turning ugly. All right, on to another subject. Who’s your favorite MMA fighter?
Crystal Mace: I always liked Chuck Liddell, his hair and mustache are H-O-T HOT. Plus his beer gut gets me wet. I’d sure like to pound a case of cold ones with that man and have him drop a chokehold on me. The best day of my life was when Earl Quizner hooked up the trailer for free pay-per-view of Chuck knockin’ Randleman out. Worth the hand job I gave for it. Hell, it only took about two minutes…the fight and the handjob.
Nat: Why did you think it was so important for your boys to be able to take care of themselves in a fight?
Crystal Mace: I knew you boys would need to be able to handle your business, what with all them step dads, uncles and what have you hanging around the trailer. You remember old Watson Critchet? He had it bad for me, sure, but what really turned his crank was them grade school boys. Sick bastard sure could play poker, though.
Nat: What was it like seeing me get knocked out for the first time?
Crystal Mace: Was I there? Oh yeah, I remember, I won a sawbuck layin’ the rent on that other kid. He looked meaner than a snake, and turned out he was. Your momma always had an eye for bettin the fights. Think I spent the cash on some really seedy Mexican smoke. Seems like Eddie (Mace, Nat’s youngest brother) came along right after that.
Nat: It was tough growing up. Let’s try and go a different direction with this. What’s the best thing about being a Mom?
Crystal Mace: For me? It was when you kids got old enough so’s I could send one of you to the store to lift some Natty Lights and a pack of Merit Menthols in a box. I had so many of you I could rotate you all through and it never came back on me.
Nat: Jeez Mom… We grew up in a tough neighborhood and we all did a little time in County, what was it like visiting your boys in stir?
Crystal Mace: Met many a young buck visiting you boys, what with all your friends being in there with you, I was lonely a lot of the time. You’d be surprised how many friendly ladies you can meet there,too. Nothing like getting everyone together for a party if you know what I’m saying. A little Canola oil and you got yourself a regular Circus Maximus goin’ on the waterbed. You know another good thing that came out of those hard times? I learned to really hustle Dominoes.
Nat: Well Mom, this was sure painful for me. Happy Mother’s Day…you mind if I bring Ostrakis by for dinner tonight?
Crystal Mace: Not if you drive separate so he can keep me company after you pass out…and stop by the store and get me a deck of smokes on your way. You always were a good kid. Your mommy loves you, baby. See you tonight.
Nat: Ok Mom, love you…
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