When Your Chops Get Busted – Get Fixed
As someone who knows what it’s like to get your ass beat into buttermilk, I have a little experience in what it takes to make a comeback so you can get slapped down again.
Whenever I went into the ring, I had a nasty habit of dropping my right and checking out the skirts in the front row. This led to some serious – and I mean serious – meat getting knocked off my hide.
There are a few ways to take care of this and make sure you look decent when you go clubbing in a couple of days, that is, after you look good enough not to scare the citizens.
Super Glue
It’s cheap. You can get it all night at the 7-11, and it seals you up like you just ate a pound of Cheetos. It doesn’t look that bad either.
Body Glue
If you’re some kind of medical dude or you hang out with doctors, they can whip you up a batch of stuff called Body Glue. Dr. Ali Khoynazhad, says you draw a small amount of blood (no problem for me) separate out the platelet-poor plasma and platelet-rich plasma in a machine like those things you see on late-night teevee, then stick some other medicine into this stuff. This goop turns into a gel, and in about 30 minutes, you spray it on and you’re read to go.
They also call this treatment PRP, for Platelet Rich Plasma, but I think Body Glue sounds cooler, so there you go.
Cortisone Injections
Man, I hate needles, so this sucks.
A dude named Kendall came up with stuff in the 50’s and won a Nobel Prize in the bargain, so it’s the shit.
According to Dharsini Dharmalingam, Rosedale Heights Secondary School in Toronto:
“The corticosteroids are divided into two main groups: the glucocorticoids, which control fat, protein, calcium and carbohydrate metabolism, and the mineralocorticoids controlling sodium and potassium levels.”
Nice huh. And the kid’s still in grade school. While I was in grade school, I was busy trying to kick huffing glue. Go figure.
Anyway. They used to shoot Doctor J up with this stuff when his knees were going out, so it must be good.
It basically puts your immune system into overdrive and makes your body think you’re worse off than you are.
Liquor
I usually just got hammered on half a dozen Schlitz Malt Liquor tall-boys. This seemed take care of things until I passed out in the back seat of my buddy’s car or on the front stoop.
Psychological Stuff
Paul R. Martin Ph. D., and the director at some place called the Wellspring Retreat and Resource Center in Ohio, says:
“In attempting to understand what has happened to the ex-cultist, it is often helpful to employ the victim, or trauma, model. According to this model, victimization and the resultant distress are due to the shattering of three basic assumptions held about the world and the self. These assumptions are: ‘the belief in personal invulnerability, the perception of the world as meaningful, and the perception of oneself as positive.’
The ex-cultist has been traumatized, deceived, conned, used and often emotionally, physically, sexually, and mentally abused while serving the group and/or the leader. Like other trauma victims (for example, of criminal acts, rape, and serious illness), former cultists often reexperience the painful memories of their group involvement. They also lose interest in the outside world, feel detached from society, and may show limited emotions.”
Shit.
Sorry. That’s how you recover from CULTS, not CUTS…
Anyway, there you have it.
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cults. oh shit man. you bust me up.